Sleeping to Dream
by aoiyumekou48
Summary: Sleeping was meant to rejuvenate and rest our restless beings. It was meant to be physically relaxing and mentally comforting. It wasn't meant to further worsen such feelings of insecurities, remorse, and most of all, fear.
1. Nightmares

**Warning/s:** possible OOC; angst?

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**SLEEPING TO DREAM: NIGHTMARES – August 10, 2013**

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Sleeping was meant to rejuvenate and rest our restless beings. It was meant to be physically relaxing and mentally comforting. It wasn't meant to further worsen such feelings of insecurities, remorse, and most of all, fear.

Eren had never really liked sleeping. He would close his eyes and enjoy a moment of tranquility but never would he let the mother-like arms of sleep fully embrace him in his weakened state. He would lie in the comfort of his soft mattress and bathe in the pleasant smell of his newly replaced sheets but never would he let his guard down for sleep is a treacherous thing.

It would have been relaxing if not for the yawn threatening to spill from his tightly pressed lips. A yawn meant he was tired and a yawn meant he would give in to sleep sooner or later that night. He begrudgingly sighed. He knew he would be losing a part of himself again as the clock ticks away what little time he had. He knew that there was really no getting used to it.

Sleep is a treacherous thing. It's not just a simple vast of darkness surrounding you. It's not just about shutting down your consciousness as your body works to recharge the energy you lost. It's about what lies far deeper in the darkness – the dreams and nightmares waiting within your supposed peaceful slumber.

Dreams never came to Eren no matter how much he wished for it or think about it before he sleeps. And just when Eren would show a dejected look on his face, his nightmares would always mockingly laugh at him as if it was pointless from the start.

Nightmares were there from the start. It feeds on negative feelings and hideous memories. Eren had all sorts of fear and insecurities and it was worsened through the course of him discovering the harsh reality that surrounded him. And nightmares know how the work is done.

Every night, it was a different scene but always the same thing – the things Eren hated the most, the things he regretted the most, and the things he feared the most. From past to present, his nightmares had done a good job of nitpicking through his jumbled memories.

_"You are a monster."_

_ "A threat to all mankind!"_

Eren had merely snorted to the sickening voices echoing inside his head. He was tired, very tired. Or rather, he was used to it. He didn't really expected a warm welcome to his stead.

_"You had let your comrades die. All because of your incompetence! All because of your weakness! You worthless piece of trash!"_

That one had hit Eren hard. That was one of the things he still regretted and even thought of until this time. If only he had made the right decision. If only he was strong enough. If only he wasn't weak. It could have made a huge difference. He could have died but it was far better than living outside but slowly dying inside. At least he would die as a dignified soldier. At least he wouldn't die as an empty shell of a human being he is starting to become.

Then there was a sickening roar. He knew that memory all too well. Far better than what his nightmares could even bare.

_"No… no… No!" A memory flashed through Carla's mind. They were seated around a table, the four of them, and they looked so happy, so care-free, so peaceful. And then the thought of dying, leaving those three precious persons behind, crossed her mind and she hesitated._

_"Ah… don't… don't leave me…" She bit back a sob._

_If she died, she would never see those faces again nor feel their warmth in her hands. If she died, she would never see how her children would grow old into fine, respectable citizens. If she died, she could never comfort her children and lull them into sleep, saying this was all just a bad dream._

_If she died, Eren and Mikasa would suffer and blame themselves and that is what frightened her the most and made her hesitate in the last seconds of her life._

_But it was too late._

_"You couldn't save your mom because you weren't strong enough to do so." _The words of Hannes repeatedly echoing in his ears, heartlessly gnawing into an open wound. He knew that far too well. He doesn't need someone to reprimand him. He doesn't need someone to say the words he already knew.

He screamed – a howl of grief, pain, and regret spreading into the thick air. And just like that, he jolted awake, panting heavily as he let himself seek comfort in the coldness and stillness of his room. Beads of sweat were starting to fall down from his face and he paid no attention to it. Eren simply looked at his entangled sheets as he eased out his breathing.

But then, a familiar scent wafted through his nostrils. He could no longer contain the heavy burden resting in his heart. He cried. He silently mourned as he hugged his sheets and smelled that nostalgic whiff of a warm home. It was the smell of a woman who gave life to him. It was the smell that he had always loved and cherished.

The pain he felt right now couldn't even compare to the pain he felt when he almost died while saving a dear friend. And now that Eren thought about it, he almost gave up his life for a friend but not for a mother who gave him all the perfections in the world.

And Hannes' words once again rang through his entire being. It made him feel so worthless and pathetic. He felt so sorry for being a powerless child. He felt so sorry for not being able to do something at that time. He felt so sorry and so useless that he felt oblige to apologize for his own existence.

He wished his mother would just throw profanities at him and blame him for everything but she didn't. She never did. And that made Eren feel much worse, much worse than him watching that scene over and over again in an attempt to drown him in a whirlpool of negative emotions.

He felt so emotionally drained that he could no longer tell if he was slowly becoming apathetic because everything had seemed so far away. Even that tragic memory resting in his head, ready to play whenever he felt even a small ounce of guilt.

"Peace, freedom, happiness… did those things really existed?" Eren had a blank look on his face. And he had bitterly laughed. Maybe it was just him playing with wishful thinking.

"I could no longer comprehend if this is reality or if this is just a part of my nightmare." He covered his face and silently cried.

"Because if so, can someone, _please_…" And his voice illuminated it all – he was tired, drained, and jaded. He sounded so fragile like a glass free-falling into the space, slowly meeting its end.

"…save me before I collide into the cold hard ground." He wished into the air as his eyes slowly lose its enthusiastic glow in it.

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**A/N: **Can someone just shoot me pls idk what this is. *sarcastically laughs into the midnight sky* I wasn't planning to have this as multi-chaptered. Definitely not. I'm an author of oneshots okay. But then this sh*tty fic suddenly turned longer than expected. I mean not "longer" as in ++++chapters. Maybe one more chapter. Because dude IDK this is just a random thought okay.

So I better shut up because it's 4AM here and I have an 8AM class and I didn't sleep... well who's going down now? Hahahaha-ha-ha-ha /ugly sobbing


	2. Elusive Dreams

**Warning/s:** possible OOC; angst

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**SLEEPING TO DREAM: ELUSIVE DREAMS – August 14, 2013**

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_Yesterday is dead and gone,_

_And tomorrow is out of sight._

_Will today be a sign of dawn?_

_Let salvation shed its humble light._

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The darkness was something Eren had decided to be his one and only savior. It was the only thing that kept him calm. It was the only thing that reminded him that he is still there, existing in the same harsh reality he had grown weary of.

The darkness was something that made Eren feel as if he is okay. That no matter what he does, nobody could ever find him and judge him for what he has become. That no matter how much he trash in the confines of his room, weep in the whiteness of his sheets, and stare harshly at the newly formed cracks on the ceiling, no one would be there to tell him to stop and force him to say the words he could not even find.

_"Eren!" He heard a voice. What was it again?_

_"Eren!" Who was it again?_

_"Eren!" He saw a hand offending his line of vision. And it certainly did brought him back to reality._

_"Eren! Are you sure you're okay?" Armin looked at him with such worry and concern etched in his soft features._

_"You've been looking at nothing for quite some time now. Are you-" Armin was cut off before he could go on any further._

_"I'm fine." Eren had simply answered._

_And Eren tried his best not to snort back in return. He appreciated the concern, he really did. It's just, everything – his apprehension, his unending battle of making it through the day and night – had finally taken its toll on him._

_Or maybe, it was just him refusing the help he wanted. It was his mental battle. It was his own battle. And he had no intentions to drag his friends and drown them in his own misery. And no matter how much he wanted to say everything and let it all out, he could not find the voice nor the words to do so._

_And if he was the one to cause emotional pain to his friends, he wouldn't be able to take it. And as much as he wanted someone to help him, he wouldn't like his nightmares to find something and torment him any further than what it has done._

_And through this misery, he discovered one thing he felt thankful for._

_"I guess I'm still human, huh?" He whispered into the air as he bitterly laughed all his sorrows away._

In the darkness of his room did he find safety and serenity. His nightmares would not be there to haunt him for how many times, he doesn't know. His supposed comrades would not be there to blame him for what he has done. In the darkness did Eren found the chance to bear everything and not mind anything. It was his safe haven. It was supposed to be his safe haven.

It was a different nightmare that night. Eren had wondered what it was this time. He waited for that sickening roar. He waited for those echoing voices inside his head. He waited for that mocking voice, accusing him and telling him how much of a worthless human being he is. He waited indifferently.

But it was just a simple vast of darkness engulfing him. Like he was floating in a sea, slowly drifting in a dark open space. It had been comforting. It's as if he was being lulled into sleep. It's as if he was being softly embraced. As if he was dreaming within a dream.

And he could not explain the happiness that invaded his whole being because he thought he was having his very first dream. He thought he was going to have that little salvation he wanted so badly. He thought he had finally triumphed over his nightmares. He thought he found a new light within the darkness he selfishly labeled as his knight.

But he was wrong.

It had all been gradual. As if his nightmares were trying its best to torment him and make him crumble under its hands, under its feet.

The air had seemingly started to become so thin. The vast darkness enveloping him had started to create waves of unknown currents and Eren had no idea what was happening. He just knew he needed to get out and fast. The wind was slowly being knocked out of his lungs. It was suffocating. As if the dark was hugging him tight. As if the dark was sucking what little air he got. And no matter how much he swim or move his arms around, he can't seem to find the surface and breathe the air his lungs desperately seek.

He was tired. He was afraid. He could no longer breathe and his whole body aches like every part of him was being penetrated and cut into half. He tried to scream but no voice came out. And he doesn't know what hurts the most. Was it his lungs that seek air or his inability to voice out help despite knowing that there would not be anyone saving him? Not now, not ever.

He wished. He had thrown his pride and begged for mercy. He begged for his nightmares to stop this. He shamelessly wept on the feet of his nightmares to spare him his life because it was simply not his time. Not yet. Not when he still had reasons to see another day.

And his nightmares had mockingly laughed at him once again. His eyes shot open and he was met by an intense pain in his chest. He found it hard to breathe. As if the mere intake of air was putting his throat into fire. But Eren did not mind. He simply inhaled all the oxygen he could get in the air. He simply took them all, afraid of being suffocated again.

Slowly, he moved his fingers and covered his face with it. He took shaky, uneven breathes.

"Damn it…" Eren gritted his teeth. He had never felt so utterly humiliated. He despised his nightmares. Not only was it taking his humanity away from him, but also the things that keeps his sanity in check.

Eren had never felt so betrayed. The darkness was the only thing that he trusted. It was the only thing that kept him sane. It was the only friend he could confide to without worrying about his nightmares. But then he forgot that he felt afraid. He felt afraid that his nightmares would take his darkness away.

And he had never felt so alone in his life. "Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!" He choked on a sob and tears soon fell from his tightly shut eyes.

He had only wanted one thing. He had only wanted salvation. How much more does he need to suffer just to attain his freedom? Would it cost him his life just to have that? Was it really worth suffering just to save these people? Was everything really worth fighting for?

And before he could even stop himself, he started to question his reasons why was he even fighting from the start. Why was he even resisting so hard. Everything just seemed so impossible to conquer – his nightmares, these Titans. After all, those two were just the same thing. Titans were his first nightmares and it sparked all the negative emotions in his heart. If Titans were there to haunt him in the day, then his nightmares would be there to haunt him in the night. He was living in his nightmares and it was his harsh reality from the start. They were too strong, too cruel, too impossible to even exist.

And as unbelievable as it may had seemed, Eren was slowly losing his purpose, his motivation. He was a selfish, brash, and determined child. Giving up wasn't a part of his options. Giving up doesn't even exist in his vocabulary of words. At that time, he had passionately declared,

_"I will wipe them out! I'll erase them from this world until not a single one remains!"_

And he had wondered where this passion has gone. He wondered if it was okay to stop now. He wondered if he had done enough to avenge his mother. Then again, Carla had always been against his decision of becoming a soldier and risking his life. She would not demand anything from him. She would not criticize him for being such a bad child. She would welcome him in her loving arms and ask him what was wrong. Carla would give Eren the salvation he wanted.

And Eren wondered if it was okay to stop breathing this time.

After all, his mother has been waiting for him in the afterlife.

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_Let the devil take tomorrow._

_Lord tonight I need a friend._

_Will this end my life-long sorrow?_

_In your arms, will I descend?_

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**A/N:** FINALLY! OH MY GOD. I was weeping yesterday because I swear I don't know what to write for this chapter. But then I looked for mom's videoke disk and looked at the titles of the songs listed there. They were all old songs and I somehow found the title of this chapter there and found some of the songs that would be fitting for this story.

These lines, "_Yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow is out of sight._" and "_Let the devil take tomorrow. Lord tonight I need a friend." _were gotten from the lyrics of the song **_"Help Me Make It Through the Night" _**and the other lines were from me.

And if you're wondering what is the dream interpretation of darkness and suffocation, here it is:

_To dream that you are lost in the darkness denotes feelings of desperation, depression, or insecurity._

_If you dream of drowning, you may be feeling suffocated by your own emotions or by overwhelming situations in waking life.  
_

_Dreams of suffocation and drowning symbolize overwhelming situations in waking life._


End file.
